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Not This Disease

Words come slowly
Sometimes, none.
A struggle never won
The words lonely, until done
Hopefully

Another coffee shop
A warm cup and company
Muse’s altar
Bodies, voices
Faces, stories
Reminders
The world is still here

Then, lyrics.
Goddammit, pull the reins
Paragraphs, please
Not this disease

“You prayed, I gave.”
She says
“Why question the sun’s rays?”

No prose
Just meter and verse
Creation in reverse
Buried first, cleaned by worms and dirt
From the ground sprouts
The gleam of singing bones

Fuck Kenton and Davis
Fuck improvisation, syncopation
Curse my father’s trumpet
My mother’s lungs
Damn my blue note origins
I don’t want to be bullets
Fired from poet’s guns

Heart’s call
The heeding, hard enough
The beating, in fits and leaps
The bleeding, always
Somewhere between clot and flow

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Less Filling, Tastes Great

It was not the intention
But we let it all go
Well, it messed up the function
And sure fucked up the flow
I hardly have people that I needed to know
‘Cause you’re the people that I wanted to know

—Modest Mouse, People as Places as People

It’s hard to be open. Especially when I tap the glass of convention with a hard hello. Especially because I often tilt sun-warmed rocks and say, “Look, it’s dark under here.” Everyone wants a feelgood. I inspire doubt. I punch darlings. My thoughts, middle fingers of defiance.

There are hard paths I want to take, parts of me that I want to nurture, Big Things I want to choose. But dammit, there’s so many distractions, escapes. It’s a whack-a-pleasure world and the arcade is on fire.

Awareness is a bitch. There’s layers, a sea both deep and shallow. Everywhere there is a reflection…a connect-the-dots of inconvenient truths. Our clever constructs of metal and mind reveal our fear.

I claim no high ground or special wisdom. We’re all dancing. But I wonder if you see where we’ve steered too. I wonder if you notice the duality of how we wield our potential, our gobsmacking ingenuity. We are ego-stroked by each new high we achieve to perfect the art of eating our own tail. The irony is neutron star dense.

I wonder. I wonder about destiny and choice. I wonder about you.

I abandoned cable television seven years ago. Now when I’m exposed to it, it is surreal. The commercials. The news. The regurgitated storylines. It’s all spectacle. Attract and distract.

The Internets filled the void, especially social media, which conveniently sprouted at the time of my divorce and ensuing avalanche of loss. It filled my many holes of empty. But what I’ve come to realize is it’s just an hollow can of noise. Incessant bells and whistles and cries and shouts. A circle jerk of soapboxes. Selfies. Click bait. Posturing. Hustling. Snark. Arguing. Arguing.

The fucking arguing.

I’ve participated earnestly, addictively, in the electronic bukkake. I’ve played all the roles and I don’t feel better for the effort. When I think of the time I’ve invested in Facebook alone my stomach and conscience perform synchronized churning. I could have built a pyramid or written an epic novel instead. When I admit I’ve chosen digital over analog, shame washes in.

Its easily wielded power leads to a slow hazing of awareness. Entertainment infects information. Reaction swallows reason. Instant gratification murders intention. Always the answer is more bandwidth—more lanes to feed the streaming sprawl of disconnection to the hungry ghost within each of us.

As with the automobile, so is the Internet.

You can’t forget the kinetic danger of tons of steel and plastic ripping past while riding a bike on a road. You can’t ignore the roadkill. There’s no tinted glass or synthetic air freshener to shield yourself from the intimate scent of death. The unending logo-stamped garbage decorating each side of the blacktop isn’t blurred into nonexistence by cylinders and pistons.

Here, a squirrel, a dog. There, a Starbucks cup, a grocery bag, the shattered remains of a Bud Light bottle.

The bloated body of a cat lying in the bike lane could be a stuffed toy. But pedaling up on a full grown deer that has been ripped in half, its near-to-term calf staring dead-eyed through the mother’s entrails is something else. It’s a knife to the mind.

No soothing denial. No ignorance. No unseeing.

The devil is in the convenience. We lose respect for place. We choose pixels over the person standing next to us. We become “friends” with someone seas away but don’t say hello to the person walking by. We behave in ways we’d never dare in person because we can hide from consequence in the disconnection.

We’re blind to the accumulative effect. As our actions cheapen our humanity dims.

Life is experienced in the struggle, not the ease. Growth requires a met challenge. I know. I spent a good chunk of my life choosing easy and it didn’t work. The pain of wisdom is why I quit social media. It’s not true. It’s a hollow distraction, emotional masturbation.

Twitter deleted. Instagram too. Linkedin, Goodreads, Scribd, Tumblr, Pinterest, all gone.

I deactivated Facebook, giving myself a month to see how I would feel. When I came back I quickly fell into the same patterns. I created an anonymous account to be the admin for my author page and deactivated my personal page again.

Deactivation is not deletion though. Part of me doesn’t want to let go. It’s the comfort of the option, I guess. If I don’t have the option of this escape what was sacrificed to the info-ether becomes undeniable. I can’t create emotional destinations without the messy investment required by flesh. People as places as people.

The “likes,” the “follows,” the rants and the snark…all just a fix. Without it there’s just four walls, a bed and a laptop. Just me and the internal slam-dance. Just me and the big things, the real things.

I’ve reached through the computer screen at times out of sheer rebellion. I’ve traveled thousands of miles just to look into another’s eyes. I want to see them. The real them. They are always different, deeper. So am I. Bubbles of perception and projection pop. What remains is human.

It’s not convenient.

Photo Credit: Mike Mozart/Flickr
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Altars

Daylight Saved
Daylight Saved
To spite the dark
In spite of the darkness
There I’ll crave
There I’ll crave
To get to the heart
In spite of the darkness

—Tears for Fears, Sketches of Pain

“To remove such powerful obstacles to truth, we require the instrument that is the subtlest, most powerful, most appropriate for grasping the truth. This instrument is given to us in suffering.”

—Martha Nussbaum

I framed life. I defined the laws of reality through circumstance, choice, and consequence. From this a faith was born.

We each build a prison of Unified Theory. A comforting veneer for the unfathomable complexity. A fireside chair and blanket.

When did you frame the world, reconcile and fence your view with gilded barbwire? What happens when the fire grows cold or roars uncontrolled, when moths or fire’s tongue have eaten the blanket? When the body screams from sitting so long? When the chair betrays, cracks, sends you tumbling?

The Universe isn’t a mystery. It presents itself openly, its unending depth and breadth naked, its truth here, now. We choose not to see it. We choose to kill our wonder. We choose the comfort of limits.

Fear of a frameless view is the fear of possibility. One could lose grip. One could see that they’ve been mistaken about a great many things. One might find lies in precious truths, realize that they’ve invested in myths. One might be misunderstood, judged. One might have to be alone. One might change.

Who chooses to leave their belief unprotected? Who invites uncertainty to dinner, surrenders their flesh and soul on a plate?

This is the hard way, the vulnerable passage. This is the fertile ground.

I’ve spent many years chipping away at my altar of belief, my prison. I acknowledge, forget, catch myself piecing it back together. I measure. Compare. I fall asleep, choose a familiar road. I wake, the defeat heavy.

It’s hard to surrender. But only then can there be flow.

Though my persistence may flounder, it remains. But consistency is predictable, mechanic, imagination’s bane. Creation is not industrious or formulaic, it is chaotic. Wild. It withers in cogs and springs. It dies in chains.

Possibility is what I fight. Potential is what I fight.

I went to Portland and fought some demons.

I’m not sure if it was just shitty timing or synchronicity, but either way conditions were perfect for some emotional surfing. I’ve never visited, so I was popping a geographic cherry. Funny thing is, my fractured origin story forks from here. They were the Devenpecks, from the maternal branch. The details are sparse but apparently they were well-to-do, at least until the siblings blew their inheritance wads and the Roaring Twenties tanked.

The roads in Portland weaved their inspiration from a pile of barfed spaghetti and a bridge fetish. Dampness rules, the ever-wet city simultaneously in a state of decay and birth. Direct sunlight is fickle, allowing shades of grey to infect the hues. Coffee shops, bars, and strip clubs offer a temporary reprieve from every corner. Diversapaloosa walks hand-in-hand with monochromanticism. Tolerance lives as a hug, or at the very least, raised hands with shrugged shoulders.

Maybe it’s dying, maybe it’s thriving. The flux is palpable and somehow it works. It wakes up daily and does what needs to be done. Occasionally it casts some magic. It’s contradictions stand naked, serving punches to the brain. I am in love. It feels like home.

Even before I arrived I could feel a wave’s dark trough coming.

The night before, I dreamed I was in a bar talking to Chuck Palahniuk and he started rubbing my ass. What the fuck was that about? There wasn’t going to be time but I wanted to spend a day at Powell’s. I wanted to shoot the shit with Chuck. I wanted to stalk Strayed and Yuknavitch. I wanted to commune with Issac Brock and sing his doomed lyrics.

Instead, I came to race my bike. And by “race,” I mean an event that is more a masochistic party than serious competition. There shouldn’t be any fun in racing what is essentially a road bike with only one gear on a off-road course comprised entirely of sloppy-wet earth of varying consistency and depth in the cold of December. And yet fun it is. It’s a glorious sufferfest featuring a repeating course of impossible obstacles, acts of debauchery, obscene ridicule, an open bar, and costumes—a perfect metaphor for the inside of my skull.

Pleasure. Pain. Struggle. Repeat.

After, a fellow racer and gracious local offered to be the city’s ambassador for my group. She also happens to be a dominatrix. But I could be entirely mistaken. I felt it would have been rude, possibly threatening, to clarify. Her husband had to work early and was not accompanying our entirely male-lopsided foray.

After some food, she took us to Union Jacks, one of Portland’s oldest strip clubs. I don’t go to strip clubs. It’s uncomfortable. None of it is real. It’s business for the girls, objectification for the guys. Disconnection fills the room. Strip clubs just make me feel more lonely. Too many reflections.

This time I tried to use it as an escape.

Where the mind and heart fail, the body prevails.

A survey of my bare body confesses that I process corporally. It’s written in scars, my phantom suffering anchored in flesh to give it connection, a reason for being. I stopped channeling this pain through my body long ago but the ghost-ache never left. It wants to manifest. It wants to be heard, to speak truth.

Once I asked a woman to tie me up. She was knowledgable about these things, and I wanted to know. She knew a guy who had a dungeon and she went there sometimes. Sometimes the dom, sometimes the sub. She tied my hands together and then to the headboard. She added some prop handcuffs for effect. Each of my legs were tied to a bedpost.

I told her to hit me. She slapped my face and then I said harder. Harder. She bit and scratched. Then I had the urge to resist and pulled at the bindings. She sat on my chest to hold me down but her frame was petite. The bindings gave way and I broke the cheap handcuffs.

So, she hogtied me.

That’s when I started to cry. Not from pain or humiliation, but powerlessness. As open as my writing may be, I still live in a fortress, still cling to myth to protect myself. I had to surrender. She held me and I sobbed. It felt good and I slept deep that night. She said she would bring rope and real handcuffs next time. There was never a next time.

Our ambassador, who by this time I have become silently enamored with, talked about lap dances after we moved away from the chairs at the edge of the stage to a couch. I said I hadn’t had one. This surprised her. “No?” She asked. She said she didn’t ask for lap dances unless there was a particular connection with a dancer. This only made me want her more.

Curiosity of BDSM as an unconventional portal to healing combined with my invisible suffering is a potent mix. I’m aware enough to know that during my bouts of emotional ebbing I’m particularly vulnerable to attachment. When my moon is new, it’s needy. But it’s a lonely ache for that which does not exist. What is unattainable, unrequited, unavailable, unsaid, this is what’s attractive.

I have a denial fetish. I deny possibility, potential. My demon’s name is Denial. It’s all very Freudian.

The dancers pulled some guy on stage for his bachelor party “gift”. There’s nothing about a man being on stage at a strip club that is about his glorification. They made him get on all fours, spanked him, rode him like a pony. Through their smiles I wondered if the dancers found this cathartic. Or was it just more entertainment? Both? Our ambassador made a joke about pegging the bachelor. I said I thought the dancers would have pegged the guy, given the chance.

The dancer I found most attractive stopped and squatted at my feet, unbidden, as I sat on a couch. The way she had worked the tall pole on stage confessed her athletic ability. She wore black rimmed glasses and matching lingerie. Her top hung from each shoulder with a pair of thin straps that crisscrossed her back in a double “x.” She was lean, strong, but not stick-like. Her small waist gave way to wider hips.

“Do you want a personal dance?” She asked. I hesitated. Is this just business, or is she attracted to me too? Would I be a small pleasure, a break from the less desirable facets of her profession? I thought. I wanted to believe that. I wanted to be wanted.

I said yes, curious. You can’t intimately know a thing until you do a thing.

In the private booth she offered some small talk and informed me of the rules. The song started and I sought shelter in the fantasy. Then the song was over. Then she made change for payment.

I was denied my truer needs. Fetish fulfilled.

The next night I sought shelter with an old friend who now lives in Portland. It was a far better choice. She took me to a couple of bars and we caught up. I didn’t say that I was hurting, even though I know she wouldn’t have judged or become uncomfortable. It’s a natural reflex to hide the dark inside even though she is a safe place. It was enough to talk, to connect. To laugh. She said I should move to Portland. Maybe someday.

By the time I returned home, the dark was in full bloom. I had a hard time getting out of bed the next few days. I stayed home, hid. I told myself to surf the wave, that it will pass. It always passes.

A friend died. Christmas came, passed. I wrote letters to people I don’t know, just to get words on a page. The new year brought a sense of beginnings, even though I refuse such cultural constructs.

It’s the Year of the Rooster again. My fourth turning. Perhaps I can perch on that and crow.

Knowledge is only a rumor until it lives in the muscle.
—The Asaro tribe of Indonesia and Papua New Guinea

Photo Credit: Public Domain
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Worst Case

Consequences

Son,

My heart aches for you. I’m smothered in guilt. What world have I brought you into? Its spring has been wound too tight and you are vulnerable in ways that I cannot protect should the world go awry.

Deep down I feel it. Too many dominoes are falling. 

We inherit blessings and curses from our families and spend our lives dancing with them. Sometimes the dance is graceful, sometimes it’s a mosh pit. There are no wallflowers. Everyone dances.

One of the curses I received is the ability to catastrophize. It puts one in a constant state of worst-case scenario calculation. It’s a distortion. Now, add that predisposition to an ever-growing surreal cultural landscape and hope is a flashlight on a moonless night.

What’s real? What’s fact? What’s truth? Trying to navigate is a feat miraculous.

It is a time of fear, upheaval, and unwinding that wears a lead coat of uncertainty, son. A long road lead to here but September 11, 2001 was a tipping point, not only for America. It was a shock that we replayed over and over until the images seared the mind of every soul.

Then came the rationalizations and consensus, much in secret. Choices were made, principles sacrificed. Agendas freed, opportunities exploited, countries felled. Blind revenge-patriotism burned across the land, seeding a potent shift. The police were armed for war. Money fell from the sky and we gorged.

A trajectory was set.

Then the truth cracked wide. A financial crisis too massive to contain ripped through the make-believe and stabbed with a blade enchanted by pervasive fraud and greed, it’s injury mortal. The future we pillaged to build reality roosted on the present. The world’s diseased heart became a void.

More rationalizations. Choices. Moral sacrifices. In the panic, denial moved from scaffold to foundation while necromancers cast spells of undeath. What was conjured walked but did not breathe—the Many, forced to sacrifice more and more while the Few feasted and grew omnipotent.

Then Hope and Change transformed into a slogan and there were token victories. But positions moved ever polar and divisiveness bloomed. Heels of resentment dug in, drew lines, built barricades.

Then Snowden unveiled another truth, a secret lidless all-seeing Eye, the apparatus complete, still growing. It was benevolent, It was to protect us, they said. Concern and outrage but a spark—there then not. Criticism quickly surrendered to resignation as calls of alarm became victims, examples of Power’s dominion. The Eye would stay open.

Hope dwindled into a farce, the scent of Change just an air freshener.

Silent disillusionment fermented then soured over the years that followed. Demons thought slain rose from the remains. Calls for action that pandered to extremism and threatened privileges became a soul strategy. Effigies of fear and rage and yearning for the past sang lyrics that stoked the hearts of millions.

Yet we were told things were better. Recovering. Growing. But for who?

Son, Power doesn’t listen. Power rules. Power feeds itself. Power plays different characters but is simply a pendulum that swings to and fro. Power never surrenders the throne, it is overthrown by others seeking what it holds or it rots from within.

We wanted Change and it was time to choose. But Power divides, weakens the whole. Power, as it always has, dressed itself in two.

A new surrogate of progress. Those who favored predictability, those who weighed novelty over principal, those who were complacent, those who were resigned, those who leaned on strategy, those who were still unequal, rallied behind their savior.   

An unwieldy proxy posed as an outsider, an obscene wildcard. Those blinded by anger, those whose hate had been repressed, those whose privilege had been slighted, those who felt impotent and yearned for yesterday, stepped out of the dark and flocked. They were empowered by his wreckless light and their bitterness unfurled.

But most of us slept, drugged with apathy.

The stage was set. We chose. Rage and revenge won the day, claiming an illusional victory.

Power remains and plans to harness its champion. Power forgets the greatest threat is always within. Lust blinds, betrays.

Consequence is clear, its bite sharp. But only in hindsight. A gateway to nightmares untold is open and I’m afraid for you, my precious son.

I hope I am wrong.

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disturbing

The consequences come, they always do
At first a tiny trickle, then KA-BOOM

We’re senseless, our denial endless
The elected busy fighting for power
Wasting time, yo, it’s the last fucking hour
The electorate pissing, moaning
Jerking off in the Facebook shower
Sold on serving elites as a noble cause
Following profits and frauds, demagogues
Take a knee, grovel, invest, pledge and plea
And worship work, waiting till break to go pee
And build that nest egg…Ha ha! Seriously?

Our burdened children will howl in dismay
When the whole shebang is in disarray
In the darkness bright as day they’ll say,
“The stupid assholes saw it coming but
all they did was argue, blame, and pray.”
We’d rather be consumed with who is gay
The big tits and ass on the Hi-Def display
Foaming at the mouth, shouting DON’T TOUCH MY GUNS
Anti-Vaxing while eating gluten-free buns
Reason and our wisdom lost in an idiot-fog

Dead inside, murdered by ego and pride
In lies and fiction we run and hide
Ashamed to admit something’s wrong
History, a circle-jerk double dong
Easier, better to just follow along
Keep robbing tomorrow to pay for today
Just like with the natives, then the slaves
Jim Crow, segregation, and the KKK
Selective memory, Columbus Day
The exceptional American Way

Take another hit off the bullshit pipe
Taste it now? That’s not the kind bud, harsh, riiiight?
I’m warning you now, don’t believe the hype
We never stopped building pyramids, fool
Yeah, you’re just a tool, they hide in plain sight
Now they’ve become nation-corporations
Stroking the shareholder’s expectations
Without their guidance, they say we’d be lost
To abandon them, nope, too high a cost

I’m sorry, never mind, just forget it
Don’t get upset, it’s probably nothing
Hey, did your bejeweled iPhone just ring?
Wait, I know the lyrics to that, one two three
“Go on, buy a new thing, buy a new thing
Sweet honky Jesus, the comfort it will bring”
A catchy ditty, our anthem, you see
A birth to death dream-song inside a meme
This, all of it, the story our culture sings
Without it, without it, what would we be?

Don’t worry, I ain’t preachin’ or dissin’
The same la la la is playin’ inside me
I still wrestle and sometimes lose to it
I’m just hoping you’ll see the truth of it
Keep waking up, fuck, there’s no time for tea
Call it out, yank the curtain, just like me

Photo credit: Meet The Chumbeques/Flickr
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Fatalism

Fatalism

Groomed, sedated
Molded, mated
To task oblivious
To ritual vigorous
Contagious, viral
Ego’s denial
Addict’s fate-spiral

Brutal dysfunction
Unending destruction
Suffering’s instruction
This, the work we cannot see
This, the phantom machine
This, the vision
This, the world we weave

Momentum, inertia
City, Suburbia
The damned utopia
To Moon, Mars, other stars
Its romantic scent blows
This, how the story grows

We sew the meme
We break the Beam
Beautiful, glorious
Us, laborious.

Photo credit: Bro. Jeffrey Pioquinto, SJ/Flickr
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On Not Writing

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I’m not writing. And now I am writing about not writing. An author/filmmaker once told me that not writing is part of writing. So, it’s all writing?

I’m pissing like it’s a hobby, like an amateur. It’s all over the toilet seat and running down to the floor.

All this thinking but not writing makes Jack not know the shit from the Shinola.

I tell people I’m writing a memoir but I spend more time thinking of the book title instead of typing words. Full of Fuck. Stories Not My Own. Lesser Deaths. As if this will conjure elevators where there are only stairs. I want the finish without starting.

FACT: I am not irony deficient.

Is this how my art manifests? I mean, are acts of contradiction and internal struggle just my nature? This is when I walk the hot coals of self-help platitudes.

Just do this, be this, think this.

I divorced to do this. I sold a house to do this. I quit a 24 year career to do this. I did these things so I could live a true life. Didn’t I? What the fuck am I doing?

I remember driving my great-aunt to my house for Thanksgiving the first time writing and I would be associated. We weren’t close, such had been the Irish side. Yet this legacy of disconnection seemed downright warm and welcoming compared to the nonexistence of the Italian side, thanks to a father who was too busy playing a trumpet for Stan Kenton. That, and the kind of familial shame only the Catholic Church could create with the birth of an illegitimate child.

Auntie Vee was a shrunken, eggshell-frail woman that had been taller once, much taller. Such was the Irish side, but osteoporosis had taken her spine and turned it into a permanent question mark. It looked like she was bearing a crushing but invisible burden. This too was a characteristic of the Irish side.

She lived alone, never married and no children. Alone is how the Irish side finish their lives. She wore polyester pantsuits. Never dresses, not even in the few photos we had of her before my birth. My mother suspected her aunt was secretly gay. But mom’s gay paranoia extended to anyone, possibly everyone, even her only son.

As we fussed with a special pillow-wedge to support her back I could see worry growing in her eyes. I’d almost died in a motorcycle accident two years prior at the ripe age of 17…driving and I was something to worry about. Her fear looked like it could turn deadly so I stuck to the surface streets and drove slow. Who wants Thanksgiving turned into an awkward holiday tragedy? Turkey. Football. Some bullshit about Pilgrims and Indians. That time I killed my great-aunt.

We only saw each other occasionally during the holidays so I filled the familial void with a lot of talking about nothing. I talk a lot when I’m nervous. She broke my blathering with a blunt question.

“What do you want to do?”

“As in a job?”

“Yes.”

“I think I want to be a writer.”

“Well, you are awfully young to be a writer. You have to live a while before you can write,” she replied. Her tone sounded like a subtle put-down, a family tradition my mother had warned me about.

And so it went when conversations drifted — people would enquire what I’d like to do beyond the grocery job that I hated. I would inevitably answer, “I think I want to be a writer.” It got to a point where I’d snicker inside after saying those words. A self-loather’s repertoire is nothing without denial of the heart.

Predictably, the follow-up would be, “Have you written anything?”

With shame lumping in my throat I’d have to answer that I hadn’t, that it was more of a dream than anything else. Faces would get all screwed up in confusion. It was a lovely contradiction and part of me would hurt when I would admit that — the part of me that wanted to write. Needed to write. But I kept that part caged and gagged with a gimp ball.

It didn’t matter if my great-aunt’s opinion was right or wrong, whether or not it was a conscious clip of my self-esteem. A childhood of feeling unworthy leads down a path of self-betrayals. Among those betrayals, some near lethal, writing remained a calling that I would refuse.

I read about Michael Heizer recently, an artist that has spent his life building a monolithic magnum opus in the remote Nevada desert. It’s art of a scale and purpose that runs straight into the arms of insanity. The stuff of pyramids and great walls. It is not dedication, not discipline. It’s compulsion.

I’m jealous.

His madness makes me wonder about flow. Attempting to fish with bare hands or comprehend the subatomic is probably easier. Words coalesce and then wink out. Others appear, morph, build upon themselves. It’s strongest when I am driving, something to do with objects in motion. A silent part of me tries to break through into consciousness. The world fades. Did I just blow a red light? Shit, I missed my exit. Where am I going again? It’s dangerous.

When I stop so do the words.

Maybe I should ride trains, that’d be safer. My homeless uncle did. Mom said he went all the way to South America. She also thought he was the headless body my child-eyes watched being loaded into a corner’s van.

I mean, was it her brother? Did he want to die near his sister, if only to have a final semblance of connection to the family that shattered in his youth? By eerie coincidence, by being at my friend’s house that early morning, by us looking over her backyard fence, a fence that just happened to face the train tracks right where the body lay, did I, his family, bear witness? When I told my mother what I saw was I his unwitting herald?

She never saw or heard from him again.

I thought once I sincerely chose to write sparkly inspiration would shoot out of my fingertips. The momentum would carry me like the smell of failing brakes down a steep grade. All-consuming flames of want would possess my motivation. Words would involuntarily gush out all my holes make a mess on the floor, just like the staggering compulsion of Michael Heizer’s acts of art.

My journey is almost never that. When it is it’s fleeting. Mostly it’s The Narrator and Tyler Durden. It’s Morpheus and the bad actor hero. It’s making love to words while cage fighting them. It’s awkward pubescent foreplay. It’s fuck it, then continuing. It’s rabbit turds.

Then there’s the rationalizations, the acts of avoidance, the self-hate. Bits of bullshit wrapped in bent logic and worn as hats:

Writing will never sustain me, put food on the table.Writing won’t take care of my son’s chronic illness. What do I know of writing? No one will take me seriously without a college education. Better to take what skills I have, fluff them up, and peacock my soul to someone else. Better to find a lover’s story to lose myself in, to sail upon a romantic boat of distraction and attempt to compute incomprehensible people math. I’m failing. I’m lazy. I’m a petulant child. I’m a fraud. 

I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to be a writer. I don’t know what I want.

Intention, planning, strategy…these things have foiled me consistently in life. The Do = Be = Have equation doesn’t work. It’s focus is external. It’s methodology requires a sense of incompleteness, an everlasting yearning for attainment.

A few days ago I woke with a strong sense of direction that comes from somewhere beyond intention. It is an occurrence that is so rare it feels alien. All I know is that big changes come when I experience this. I don’t want this feeling to be fleeting, dissolving undefined.

Now I want to delve deeper, to listen intently. I tried a visualization technique I learned recently that helps with clarity. It seems like woo-woo shit I’m always suspicious of but there is science to back it.

I’m standing on a beach, facing the ocean. The waves come and go. I concentrate on what’s troubling me, how it feels, where that feeling resides in my body. It’s a deep ache, a heaviness that smothers my heart. I reach into my chest and it pull out. In my hands an oozing tarry black substance hangs with an uncanny heaviness. I throw it in the sand and wait to see what happens, letting whatever comes next to unfold without influence.

A wave crashes, swirls around the blackness and drags it out to the sea. Another wave crashes, it’s foam-laced edge sliding up the beach to my feet. As it retreats a sword lies in the sand, sliver blade and gold pommel catching the sunlight.

A friend said that in Buddhism swords represent decisiveness. I don’t believe in Buddhism.

Photo credit: Edna Winti/Flickr
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Disenchantment

Stars

A star here
A star there
Luminous plots
Outlines of purpose
Constellations of reason

By these we set sail, but

Fiery, when they fall
Sometimes a flash
A disappointment
Sometimes cataclysmic

A shaking
A shattering
Of belief
Of trust
Of meaning

The brightest fall
like pulled threads
Unstitching lesser suns in turn
Emptying the sky
Leaving us to wander
To sit with the dark
Until new stars are born

Photo credit: flickr/Mike Lewinski
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Lesser Deaths

Trauma

To wreck, to wreck, to wreck
Did I build this ship to wreck?

—Florence And The Machine, Ship To Wreck

Long before I lost people who I loved, I lost myself.

My younger years were punctuated with lesser deaths that thwarted a more grievous death in the making. There’s some kind of “hair of the dog” joke in there somewhere. I’m not sure what kind of luck it is, but it tastes cosmically ironic.

The scars, evidence of crimes committed against myself, are carved into my flesh. A permanent testament. Undeniable. Irreversible. Unlike the accompanying emotional scars, they can’t be hidden in the folds of my mind or be resolved. They simply are, and always will be. I am not allowed the comfort of forgetfulness.

The body will tell the story the heart and mind resist to acknowledge. This I know is true.

September, 1986.

I remember worrying that I would not graduate from high school as I lay in the dirt on the side of a rural road. A deep coldness crept over my body and my senses had a strange disconnected quality but imminent death wasn’t a consideration. My friend, who was riding on another motorcycle behind me, had just driven away the one I had crashed. It was his, but technically it wasn’t—it was stolen. Before he left he told the blond-haired woman standing over me (whose car I’d almost hit head-on) to not let me look at my hand or let me move.

I didn’t want to move but now I definitely wanted to look at my hand.

The tip of my right middle finger had its flesh ripped away revealing porcelain bone. There was no pain.

Shit, I thought.

As I lay waiting for help, I watched popcorn clouds that dotted the grey sky above in an uncanny uniform fashion. It was too perfect, artificial. How does that happen, I wondered. Then paramedics materialized out of the air. One started cutting my clothes off and one interrogated, shaking me and demanding to know my name. “Who is the president?” Snip, snip, snip. Aw, man, I just bought this jacket. “What year is it?” Snip, snip, snip. Fuck, not my new jeans too! Cabot. Reagan. 1986.

I hadn’t worn a helmet.

Why is she here, I asked myself. I could hear my mother’s voice before I could see her. I only remember the unconsolable horror and grief that had hijacked her face. Our house was a mile away and my friend had driven the stolen motorcycle there to stash the bike as much as to deliver the bad news.

One of paramedics asked “what the hell is that?” as they slid a spine board underneath my body. Apparently I had landed on a long-dead dog or sheep or whatever. The remains of my death’s doorstep were too decayed to identify.

Surgeons burned many hours to save my life.

Besides my finger, which required a skin graft, I had deeply lacerated both forearms. I had lacerated my liver, bruised my pancreas, ruptured my spleen, destroyed about 3-4 feet of my large intestine, damaged the small intestine just beneath my stomach and broke a bone in my right wrist. I also made a sizable withdrawal from their blood bank.

Ask anyone who has been in death’s embrace. The worst thing about almost dying is not dying.

I woke up on a ventilator, the most agonizing life saving device invented. I’m sure the eternally damned are issued one upon arrival to Satan’s wonderland.

I was less a spleen and half my colon. A drain stuck out of my skin to drain the fluids oozing from my repaired liver. My remaining colon had been rerouted through my skin just to the left of the drain. My initial panic to the news of my colon’s relocation set off all the medical equipment alarms but turned to uncomfortable relief when the doctors said the colostomy was temporary.

I went from 180 to 133 pounds and spent a week and a half in the ICU. Docs said the only reason I survived was the fact that my heart kept beating. If anything, I’m persistent I guess.

August, 1989.

I was roommates with my best friend and his wife. They were first cousins. This was arguably wrong, but definitely abnormal—at least for California. Their paternal grandfather, a Hell’s Angel, was in charge of dealing meth for Northern California.

To say I started snorting meth wouldn’t be shocking, would it?

I remember going to the grandfather’s house. Bad juju, man. I could feel it the moment I walked over the threshold. Everything was a little darker. It felt present, like something watching unseen. All the walls but one in the living room were lined with authentic old-fashioned slot machines. I didn’t count, but there were at least ten. We sat at the kitchen table as his younger and chemically weathered girlfriend grabbed a bulging, gallon-sized Ziplock bag out of the freezer and asked us casually, “How much do you want?”

Family tweaked for free. It was a fucking Merry Methmas whenever we wanted. I never met their grandfather and I never went back to that house.

And then one night I had the brilliant idea to put meth into my ridiculously large convenience store soda like a chef’s seasoning. It ate through my weakened and surgically altered stomach and intestines like battery acid. Paramedics wheeled me out of the bathroom on a stretcher the next morning after my body forcibly purged black blood out of my mouth and rectum at the same time. I performed this dramatic exit at the Columbia School of Broadcasting, where I was toying with becoming a radio personality.

The docs opted to cauterize the bleeding with an endoscope. They get you pretty high before the deep throat.

After, I had a friend’s state-of-the-art portable CD player and LL Cool J’s album Walking Like A Panther to keep me company as I recovered in my hospital room. I was feeling good, even after all the blood I had lost. My pee was dark as grape juice though.

“How long has your urine been this color?” a doctor on morning rounds asked, unable to hide his panicked shock. “I dunno, a day maybe? I feel fine.” Nurses flooded the room and began jabbing the veins in both arms to attach a parade of IVs so my kidneys wouldn’t fail. My body was rejecting the blood transfusion.

The docs shrugged as to the cause. Something about antigens maybe, they offered. Anything other than broaching the possibility of giving me the wrong blood type.

I was probably pissing a gallon an hour as they replaced each of the saline bags as soon as they emptied. Plastic urinal containers hung in lines on either side of my bed. My ears and eyes were all that I had left to expel blood from—bodily feats I had no wish to experience.

June, 1990.

I was visiting a friend in unbelievably hot Phoenix. They had to shut down the airport when the temperature reached a record setting 122 degrees, melting the runways. The record still stands.

I witnessed Captain Picard being kidnapped by the Borg, who had just begun their invasion of Federation space and I felt a pompous satisfaction that I was watching Star Trek, The Next Generation’s season finale days before my friends in Sacramento could. I found out you stay inside during a dust storm. I bought Brent Bourgeois’ first solo album and a fanny pack. I had a burgeoning meth habit—despite my past consequences.

We were driving to a party in Tempe and I knew I wasn’t going to make it. Days prior, I had snorted the last of my meth stash with the intention of it being the last time. It would be, but not how I intended. The night before, I hardly slept because my stomach hurt so bad and I had the chills. It was a familiar feeling but I denied it with all my might. Even that morning when I noticed the black, tarry, and uniquely putrid streak on the toilet paper, I denied it.

I said I needed to go to the hospital. Everyone laughed. I barked at them that it was no joke. I was bleeding internally again.

“I am bleeding internally and need to see a doctor immediately,” I said to the effeminate man sitting at the ER receptionist’s desk at St. Luke’s hospital. He rolled his eyes and pushed some forms at me to fill out. Nausea jumped up my throat and I told him I needed something to throw up in. Now. He pointed to a small trashcan at my feet, startled. I snatched it just in time as black blood shot from my mouth and nose violently.

As I fell to the floor, I remember the look of horror on his face as he shrieked like a little girl. I didn’t have to fill out forms.

Within a few of hours I was in surgery. They followed the road map of two previous incisions: the first to save my life after the motorcycle accident, the second to allow me to use my rectum as it was designed instead of crapping involuntarily into a plastic bag attached to the side of my abdomen. The path is a straight shot, sternum to pubes, except for a tight turn around my navel.

What started as a thin footpath then a two lane road would now heal into a superhighway.

They cut out the ulcerated tissues, improved the intestinal plumbing and removed what the surgeons described as “a ton” of scar tissue. I wonder sometimes how much more of myself can actually be discarded and leave me functioning normally. Probably zero.

The rest of my Phoenix stay was spent in a hospital bed recovering, alone and far away from my home, family and friends. I had Stephen King’s The Stand: Complete and Uncut Version to read and air conditioning. It was better than the terminal alternative.

I waited to be picked up by my friends at the Oakland airport for almost an entire day after the docs in Phoenix released me to go home. I worried that they forgot. No one answered the phone at the apartment we shared. I sat waiting, depressed and lonely, on the space between the up and down sides of an escalator near the airport’s entrance. Hundreds of faces past me while I waited. Some stared, most ignored.

A feeling of being utterly lost grew in my mind like a creeping shadow.

The sun was low when my best friend’s wife found me. I hadn’t been told she was pregnant when we moved in together. It was obvious now. She burst into tears and gave me a hug. Her embrace felt good but I was too disconnected emotionally by then to truly comfort. I’d end up having a brief affair with her. I think the real reason we did it was to hurt the one we both betrayed. We were paying him in kind. The worst kind.

I pretended to be happy as we walked to the parking lot. Friends poured out of a beat up white van to greet me. They told me the van broke down on the freeway and how one of them stashed a bag of pot behind a tree while they fixed it, afraid that a cop might stop to see what was up.

Then they couldn’t find the pot because they were too stoned and there were too many trees. But hey. There was still beer and acid, if I wanted.

Someone certainly had meth but that was strictly off the menu now. I knew I wouldn’t be allowed a fourth strike. I don’t remember if I drank but I desperately wanted to escape from my empty and lost feelings. So I took a hit of acid. It ended up being a bad trip at the end of a bad trip. Poetic.

Late that night the muscle aches began as I came down off the acid. It felt like a sword was twisting in my gut. I told myself I needed to get away from my friends.

It’s true that meth almost killed me, but not the conventional way. You would have never guessed that I used. Had I not been in that motorcycle accident and suffered the injuries that I did, the consequences would have not been immediate. It’s probable that I would have eventually binged on meth for days on end, scratched sores into my flesh, lost teeth, and burned out my brain’s pleasure receptors. Shit, it was free and in endless amounts. It’s not a stretch of reason.

Did the dog’s hair almost kill me or save me? It’s a riddle, but clearly my spirit animal is a cat.

Fed up with all that LSD
Need more sleep than Coke or Methamphetamines
Late nights with warm, warm whiskey
I guess the good times they were all just killing me

—Modest Mouse, The Good Times Are Killing Me

Photo Credit: Wikipedia
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Through a Keyhole

keyhole

my
mother
was
my first country
the first place I ever lived

-Nayyirah Waheed

Mother’s Day.

A day whose origin is wholly 20th century American. More than ever it is commercialized, turned into a day of material obligation and expectation—of chocolate and flowers and cards, of restaurant dinners…sterilized of authenticity. A tool for profit.

And yet it holds sway in deep ways.

It’s easy to forget the sacred in today’s world. We are overstimulated, isolated. Busy. Always busy. Our familial foundations awash, diluted by the buzzing mundanity of modernity.

I imagine for some a kind of blessing.

Then the day.

From the radios. From the televisions. From the publications. From the Internets.

Don’t forget Mother’s Day
Don’t forget Mother’s Day
Don’t forget Mother’s Day
Don’t forget Mother’s Day

We are left staring at our consequential maternal reservoir, pleasure and pain in all its iterations leaking through the dam’s cracks. What should been allowed to flow as river though our lives, in then out, now threatens to become a deluge.

Sometimes we scramble to patch the leaks with romanticism. Sometimes demonization. Sometimes escapism. In these extremes we dodge the complexities of the human condition. To face and reconcile the light and the dark, to acknowledge and embrace both equally is a birth itself. The heart is pushed through a keyhole. There is pain. Blood is shed.

For those that don’t this day is not welcome.

The footing of our lives begins with two people. This, the first chapter of our origin story. Much of it is penned maternally…nine months, give or take—a connection the masculine is only capable of being witness, even if they are brave enough to embrace it fully.

The inexorable intimacy of those first words marks the soul, both mother and child, regardless of outcome. Regardless the theme or count of the chapters that follow.

Mom died the third of May, 2011. The day before she called me while I was working but this time I didn’t let her call go to voicemail like I had so many other times. Somewhere within me I knew. 

I rushed to her house and called an ambulance. I was the last to speak words to her, to see her conscious.

This is gift and curse.

But oh, those precious words were wasted helping to explain medical protocol to her. I didn’t say I loved her before they put her under sedation. She’d never wake up again.

Mother’s Day came five days after. After. My grief was too fresh for that first one so it didn’t register. But they’d all be after now.

The next couple of Afters were difficult. Anger, shame, longing, resentment, forgiveness, regret—a court trial for all the words said and unsaid between us. These Mother’s Days would be the exclamation points in the processing of my grief. They were violent tugs on the unspooling of everything about her that lived within me.

The Afters since passed by with relative ease. Or did they?

This year is different. Something I hadn’t expected happened in February. While at a retreat organized by the Hoffman Institute, I drained an abscess of rage and resentment towards my mother that I had no idea existed. She’d caused me deep pain, pain subconsciously denied for decades out of adoration and fear, a wounding gone septic.

It explained much.

It explained why I wrecked my body in my teens, and then more times as a young adult. I had no insight to the source, let alone a path to vent what was held inside me. All I had was pain. So my subconscious sought somatic means. I expressed my anger and resentment left by her trespasses with the only thing I could control. I’d break what she held precious.

I wouldn’t be her perfect little boy anymore. I’d shatter him, scatter his pieces. I’d leave him permanently scarred, a breath from death. Over and over. This resolved nothing of course. My body expressed the pain but the suffering remained.

At the retreat my body had a second chance.

I was armed with a wiffle ball bat, a giant pillow before me as I sat on the floor. I was instructed to think of the things that had happened in my childhood that I resented my parents for while hitting the pillow. They told me to hit hard. They told me to separately imagine my mother, my father, my stepfather before me. They told be to tell them everything they’d ever done that hurt me and to do it ruthlessly. Curse at them, call them awful things, they said. Do not stop.

There were 38 others in the room doing the same.

None of us wanted to do it. We were scared and embarrassed, ashamed of what was held within. But I was committed and did as instructed even though I was more focused on my surroundings than the task. The enthusiasm and technique varied between us but what started out reluctantly began to thaw as the physical exertion took hold.

I thought it’d be dad I would be most angry with. He abandoned me as a baby, leaving absence as his only presence. My stepdad would come next and then maybe, maybe, some would be left for mom.

That was until I started thinking about her.

It was glacial at first, but my surroundings began to fade and then my inhibition. When I thought of mom my swings hit harder and hot tears began running down my face. My accusations turned into growls then howls. My emotional moorings slipped, slipped…then fell. A fury ripped from my lungs that rose above the chaos around me, the force of it blooming into a stabbing pain behind my eyes that threatened to cleave my skull.

“FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU FUCKYOU FUCKYOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOOOOU,” I roared.

I wailed, snot running unchecked down my face, my swings hitting the pillow, whap whap whap whap. I didn’t stop. I couldn’t. The avalanche of rage had turned involuntary. I could taste blood in my screams. I choked back vomit. My arms burned, sweat stung my eyes. I did not stop.

For 15 minutes we did this. A five minute break spent with my chest heaving for air and then again. Three sets in all.

Each time we’d start I’d think, there can’t be more, and then and I’d lose my shit. Again.

By the last round my voice was a rasp. Every scream felt like breathing fire but the sound only held the power of an old man bitching. I screamed anyway. Mom was gone now, lost in the emptying remains of my decades-long stuffed emotion. My swings into the pillow were slower, spaced. A rhythm.

My heart was through the keyhole.

I buried my face in the pillow. We were only halfway through the last round but I was tapped. Something new was rising.

At first it came as a whimper, then a sad cry that turned into a grievous wail. I choked and spattered on the mourning that escaped past my lips. An instructor came to my side and asked why I’d stopped. My reply was lost in tears.

“You’ve got to keep moving,” he said. “Keep moving.”

So I rocked as I knelt, face still planted in the pillow as grief and loss gutted me. My racking sobs filled the void.

“FIVE MINUTES LEFT, GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT,” the instructor commanded. And with that I found the strength to sit up and hit the pillow again as snot swung from my chin. I wanted to be sure. I wanted to be bled dry.

For the past few months I’ve felt good. Dare I say happy? I mean, to notice this is a big deal. Things are still tough. The same challenges face me. Doubts are still lingering, fears still nipping, but I’ve changed. Some of my shift is profound…yet subtle. Its gravity only detected in hindsight.

So when I started feeling sad and not knowing exactly why a couple of weeks ago I was at a loss. The anniversary of mom’s death is coming up, is it that? Maybe. Not exactly, but in part maybe. What is it then? What’s different?

The anniversary came and went without an answer. Then Mother’s Day came and I felt uncomfortable so I started writing. In that stream of thought, the words you are reading were born. Basically you are reading my process. This plus this plus this. What’s it equal?

I’m different. Mother’s day feels different because I’m different.

From the space that emptied during the retreat a peaceful grief flowed for the mother who’d brought me joy. Nothing specific, just longing. I fought it at first with my go-to coping mechanism: comic relief. I was afraid that I’d end up with my face in a pillow again, writhing in the jaws of grief.

I gave it up to the words. I always follow where the words go anyway. They’d know.

I shed some tears along the way. They were good tears.

“All we can hope for as parents is that we’ve done more good than bad.”

-Mom

Photo credit: Chris Evans/Flickr
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