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The End First

I’m worse at what I do best
And for this gift I feel blessed

—Nirvana, Smells Like Teen Spirit


I know what it feels like to realize that I am not who I have told myself I am.

Discovering what I forgot
A purge, exorcism
Myth slaying

It’s a trip.

As I dig through my layers, I’m faced more and more with bones of truth, the evidence of an atrocity. It’s what I’ve denied my whole life. To bear witness, I have to fight against my own instinct. I have to force myself not to bolt. I have to throw away a lifetime of belief. I have to abandon my programing. I have to imagine the unimagined.

It’s hard to do that. Much of my truth is still buried, suppressed. My writing coach wants me to envision what it will be like once the book is finished. She wants me to write about it with as much detail as possible.

*     *     *     *     *

The books were delivered today.

This feels like victory.

I’m holding the book. My book. Iwroteamotherfuckingbook.

I didn’t fail. I followed through. My hands hold a roar of defiance to all who doubted and criticized, especially to the darkness within myself.

How many times did I watch a movie, read a book, listen to a song and feel a deep ache of painful desire to express myself in the same way? How many times did I deny myself the possibility?

And now I’ve done it. I finally did it. I performed my heart’s call.

This feels like freedom.

My heart feels weightless. It sings. It’s a frightfully joyous sensation. I’m much more used to a heavy weight hanging in the middle of my chest, pulling me to my knees.

My thoughts are freed from limits and oppressive myth. Everything is possible now. Any wish, any dream. My wings are real and they can carry me to the horizon and beyond.

I have momentum. I can go places.

This feels like love.

This is the kindest act I’ve ever done for myself.

I gave myself permission to try. I gave myself permission to fail too, as long as I took the dare. I gave myself permission to seek bliss.

My family and friends are celebrating. They saw my potential long before I did, but were powerless to make me believe. They’ve rooted for me whole time. Now it’s a full-blown party since I’ve embraced my potential.

This feels like magic.

My dream has weight now. Thickness. It sits in my hands, real. These tears are welcome, escorted by bliss and a proud smile.

I know I’ve saved myself. This book is the journey. This book is alchemy. All my loss, loneliness, sadness, hate, fear, shame are now something beautiful. I transmuted my ills and suffering into joy and freedom.

I’ve proved that I’m not cursed, that goodness permeates the darkness.

I know I am free now.

{ 2 comments… add one }
  • Wendryn July 22, 2014, 1:40 pm

    “I’m holding the book. My book. Iwroteamotherfuckingbook.” !!!!!!!!!

    That’s amazing and wonderful and I’m so happy for you!

    • Cab July 22, 2014, 9:47 pm

      Whoa, hold the presses! No book yet. This was an exercise in envisioning what it will feel like. But thanks for the cheers.

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